It’s Time To Leave

~ The length of time spent with someone is not relevant. How old you are is not relevant. Wherever you are in life is not relevant. Your quality of life, however, is quite relevant ~ talkswitheve

It’s time to leave is a statement that, for many of us, tumbles around in our brain as we try to determine what to do. The situation we are in may not be working for us for a long time – sometimes even decades. However, we continue to hesitate to pull the trigger – to leave.

Each person has their own thoughts as to why they are not able to pull this trigger.  My hesitation came from not knowing what to do as I was a person who kept all my problems to myself. However, I subsequently found that it helped in my decision-making process to share the burden.

Share the burden

When you share the burden, you feel lighter because you now feel supported. There is a saying – a burden shared is a burden halved. Basically, when you are troubled or have some difficulty, it helps to talk about it with someone.

Generally, you are not expecting them to tell you what to do. I say generally, because sometimes you may get good and solid advice. Many times you may find a golden nugget within their words, and go with it.

However, you should never feel like you are obligated to do as they say. We are each a unique individual, and no one else is like you. Therefore no one else but you can know what you need.

At times, there will be that person who gets offended when you don’t follow their advice. It’s okay. The advice they give is based on their interpretation of their own experiences. It may not align with your experiences and as such not useful in your particular situation.

Neither one of you should have any expectations of the other. The real purpose of sharing the burden is for one to speak and the other to listen. The one who speaks is overwhelmed and needs to unload. The one who listens is there to listen and acknowledge the other’s struggles. The listener should never pressure the other to do as they say. The other should never feel pressured.

The burden is lightened when the person is not dismissed, nor judged. Unless asked directly for an answer such as – what would you do if you were in my place? – the listener should never offer one. Not having a degree in counseling, the listener may be afraid of unintentionally saying something that may cause harm to their friend.

Especially when the friend is struggling in their relationship. The listener may fear reprisal – not wanting to be the target of any future pain. For example, I would never suggest to anyone that they should leave their relationship! Absolutely never!

It is not up to me to say to someone that it’s time to leave. If I did that and they later suffer a very painful breakup, can you imagine how much cursing and badmouthing I would get? The decision to leave must entirely be of that person’s choosing.

Choosing to leave

I have to wonder if there is any person who has not thought about choosing to leave a relationship. Even one time – maybe more. There will always be a time when you can get so frustrated with your romantic partner that you want to just run away. I know, I have had my fair share of those thoughts.

Choosing to leave, however, requires more than a fleeting moment of frustration. Deciding it’s time to leave should come after much consideration. It is when you don’t take enough time, that you would have doubts if you did the right thing. Then within your relationship, you may have a revolving door. That means you go back, then you find your frustration has returned, and you leave again. Basically, you create a cycle of rinsing and repeating.

The dance of the revolving door will drain your energy and your emotions. It also takes time away from your life that you cannot get back. Most of all though, when you think about it, you have lost time you could have spent on you.

Recovery time is necessary after any breakup. No matter how you look at, you need time to grieve your loss. Although the article includes a study that shows the timeline for a breakup, you should NOT put a limit on your grieving time.

Also, never let yourself be pressured by anyone. Disregard it when you hear those unkind words – suck it up – or, the person was no good so get over it. No one but you knows your feelings – about the other person, and about your relationship. Therefore, no one but you can determine how to deal with those feelings.

The same goes for knowing when it’s time to leave.

It’s time to leave

No one else but you will know that time, and it comes only after much consideration. Well, at least it should – so there is not that dance I mentioned earlier, where you become what is called an on-again/off-again partner! That instability will wear down a relationship.

In my past, it has taken me as long as three years to leave a relationship. I didn’t know it would take that much time, but time was not my focus. However, the relationship came to what I call an organic end. Both of us parted amicably, and have remained as friends.

There was a process to work through the difficulties in the relationship. It didn’t break it suddenly, but instead brought the relationship to a natural end. It will be different for each person.

First, there was forgiveness – a necessary decision to release all pent up emotions. I did say it was a process, as depending on your emotional baggage, and we all have them, it will take time to sort through and separate them. You must be able to say for example, that you are angry with your partner for something they did – not based on the behavior of someone else in your past.

In other words – be fair in your evaluation of the source of any emotions you are sorting out. Don’t paint everything, or everyone, with the same brush. It is neither fair to you, nor your current partner.

Let the process flow naturally. If you struggle to sort it out yourself seek professional, and not your friends’ help. The professional will not have any personal bias.

When you can understand your emotions, have a conversation with your partner about healing your relationship. Again, use the services of a professional if you find you are unable to find common ground with your partner. Remember, do it for YOU, and do NOT focus on time. Instead, take time to get through the process of healing.

Let’s talk

Every relationship is different because of the persons involved, and their individual personalities. Therefore, what works for someone else will not work for you. You can follow what they did, step by step, but get a different outcome. That happens because you are not like anyone else.

You are not alone in your struggles on deciding when to leave a relationship. Your situation is unique to you, but you can get help. Asking for help is difficult but you are worth it.

Also, you may not think you have the courage, but you do. It’s right there in you waiting on you to tap into it.

How is your relationship? Do you and your partner know each other well? Do you feel comfortable, supported, and are you able to be yourself?

Let’s talk!