I’ve Never Lost My Temper

~ I’ve always believed that in losing your temper, you also lose something very important – a piece of yourself – something you cannot take back – your self-respect. You can, however, forgive yourself ~ talkswitheve

Recently, the realization came to me that I’ve never lost my temper. All around me, I have observed individuals lose their temper, and I find myself fascinated by it.  Why?

It is a state of high emotional intensity. Observing the changes in an individual’s demeanor is what I find most intriguing. Sometimes I have wondered if they could observe themselves, would that have any effect on their behavior? Would they rethink how they react to triggering stimuli?

Don’t misunderstand me. There is nothing wrong with someone getting angry. Anger is a normal emotion and considered to be quite healthy. For example, without individuals being angered about social injustices, we would remain stuck in our situations. Instead, we have had many positive social changes.

Getting angry vs. losing your temper

We all get angry sometimes – actually, many times. Getting angry can happen quite easily, and more often than we realize.  Who hasn’t lost it, somewhat, being stuck in traffic?

Sometimes, however, someone may snap in their anger.  They may be irritated by slow service while waiting for their food at a restaurant. Or, at the other end of the spectrum, they may, for whatever reason, snap, and harm others.

Losing your temper, however, is explosive anger. In getting so very angry, you have lost the ability to properly focus. Caught in tunnel vision, you lose the perspective of logical thinking and you say whatever comes to mind.

Have you ever lost your temper and could not recall what you said? The recipient, the person on the other end of your momentary tongue-lashing, however, can recall your words. That’s because words can, and do, hurt.

I do get angry, but I have never acted on my feelings. Reflecting on my life to understand why that is so, my thoughts turned to my father. He was my model of how someone managed their anger.

Managing your anger

My dad displayed to me by his behavior, the nature of managing your anger. Of course, he experienced anger. There were many situations I observed where he had reason to be angry. He, however, was able to control his feelings, and instead expressed his feelings quite calmly and rationally.

For example, as a teenager, I wanted to hang out with my friends after school, but I was never allowed. So when the school had an after school event, and I got to attend, I was ecstatic. Unfortunately, I was having too much fun (freedom) and lost track of time.

He had been waiting for me, of which I was unaware, and so I was seen – gasp – holding a boy’s hand! I would be remiss if I did not mention that I attended an all-girls high school! On that day, though, the school had joint activities with the all-boys side. Usually the schools were separated by a chain-link fence – a very high one. However, for that one day, the gates were open to facilitate the joint activities.

I was busted because I had not made my appearance at the designated pickup spot. My dad hid his anger quite well. He was never one for any public display, another of his behavior I learned and modeled – to the present day.

Learned behavior

I was not aware of my learned behavior. That is until I was questioned one day by a coworker as to why I was not angry. She was angry on my behalf because I was overlooked for a promotion. I was not angry, and it had upset her. She expressed that all my other coworkers were also surprised I had not received the promotion.

What I have discovered about myself, and I still don’t how, or why, is that anger is not an emotion I easily experience. My father, I have now realized, is the source of my behavior.

Throughout my life, I have never seen my dad as anything but calm and reasonable. He never uttered a curse word, never yelled, never argued with anyone. He and my mom never argued – at least not in front of their children. On the other hand, my mom would get angry, and yell and scream at us, her children, when we didn’t do our chores or whatever she required of us.

My dad was always telling dad jokes and there was always laughter. However, when he was disappointed in the behavior of his children, he would express his disappointment. Depending on the situation, we would get our butts whipped and/or be punished for a period of time. I would prefer to get my butt whipped because it would be over and done. His punishments, however, were well thought out, and more painful.

I learned, from watching him (I was also his shadow), how to manage my emotions. Maybe that’s actually something I need to sit with a psychiatrist to further explore. However, I have always been able to avoid losing my temper.

I’ve never lost my temper

I’ve never lost my temper because I have seen how destructive it can be to the individual and others. Anger, I have learned, can be expressed in either a healthy or unhealthy way. My dad modeled how to express it in a healthy way.

He taught me by his actions, and somehow I figured out the rest on my own. I have since realized that when I feel anger it is a knee-jerk reaction, and a response I should disregard. My actions and thoughts should instead be based on the situation I am in, and the reason anger is my first response.

Although it happens sometimes, it is not necessarily in the moment that I am able to decipher my feelings. I have learned over time how to respond, and not react to my anger, and so I do get angry, but I don’t lose my temper.

Let’s talk

I will admit that for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me. I avoid labels because we are each a unique individual, and no one else in the world is like us. Therefore, whoever or whatever I am, I am me.

I don’t (never) raise my voice, nor do I yell. If the people around me should pay close attention, they would know when I am angry. Somehow, my response to being angry is to get quiet and speak calmly and softly.

Now that I understand me better, I realize I get quiet because I am listening – to ME. It may sound strange to you, (it did at first to me too), but I have since recognized that is my process. In the moment of anger, I tune in to my internal self to determine what is happening in response to the external stimulus.

While I am processing I remain aware of what is happening and continue to interact in my environment. This ability to compartmentalize events remains a mindboggling thing to me. I continue to explore how I deal with anger. How do you deal with yours?

Let’s talk!